Lost In Beauty-

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I'm tired of being what you want me to be..
Feeling so faithless..
Lost under the surface..
Dunno what you're expecting of me..
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that i take is another mistake to you..
And every second i breath is more than i can take..

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there..
I've become so tired, so much more aware..
I'm becoming this all I want to do..
Is be more like me and be less like you...

Feeling so damn low rite now.. Feel like typing the 'F' word so many times until i can't type anymore.. Why can't SHE juz listen to me for once, and stop making stupid, wrong assumptions about the whole thing?????? I hate it..!!! Who does SHE think i am?? A stupid moron??

SHE hate it. SHE dislikes me doing tis whole marketing/promoting health products job.. SHE thinks that tis job is the same as other typical sales and marketing job.. And i have no chance to make HER understand what i'm actually doing. WHY??? Becoz SHE hardly listens to me.. But, what the hell, SHE listens to other people.. Oh yeah, i forgot.. Now i know that the "other people's" opinions are more important, reasonable and logical to HER than mine.. To HER, it's no use listening to me.. Becoz my opinions are all pointless, rite???

Honestly saying, i thought that tis job is also the same as any other typical sales and marketing job at first.. I even thought of backing out.. But now, after going through talks and training from the company, my perception bout tis job has changed.. And i really mean it.. In fact, i think that tis job is unique.. Very different.. And i'm glad to give it a try.. Today, i came home from the office feeling quite certain and confident about the whole thing.. I had a motivation talk with the company's consultant and Business Manager (BM) juz now, and they said that i can achieve if i ever work hard for it.. See?? They believe that i can make it.. And i felt quite touch.. But all the confident feelings has faded away now.. Thanks to HER.

I've already told my BM that SHE didn't like what i'm doing.. And he's being very nice to come to my house tomorrow afternoon to explain to HER bout what i'm actually doing for the job. He told me to tell HER to make HERSELF free at 6 pm. So, after i'd reached home today, i told HER that my 'colleague' is going to meet HER tomorrow (the BM said that it's better to address him as a 'colleague' rather than a 'manager', to HER. I'm still wondering why..). But before i could say anything more useful to HER, you know wat SHE said?? "Apsal?? Dia nak convince products dia kat mama ke?? Mama tak interested!" (Meaning: SHE thought that my BM wanted to convince HER bout the products and actually wanted HER to buy it.. like, DUH!) I was sooo taken aback.. so mad.. i think that at any moment i would explode into tiny pieces!! See what i mean about HER never listen to me? Ever?? I hadn't even completed what i was about to say, and SHE interuppted me juz like that. SHE said (with a tone that i really damn hate the most) that SHE'S going to the hospital tomorrow and SHE can't make it.. I don't care if SHE cannot make it.. But the fact that SHE was doubting my BM- and thought that he was actually wanted to sell HER the products- was juz too much.. All he wants to do is to explain to HER about the RIGHT thing of what i'm actually doing.. But HAR. HAR. HAR. SHE don't even want to give it a chance. And continue making wrong assumption bout my job.. And that's it.. SHE'S not going to approve what i'm doing.. Great.. So great that i feel like hitting my head on the wall rite now. Does anyone ever listens anymore???????????????????????????? Seriously.. i almost feel like crying now.. in fact, i'm crying rite now.. coz i'm so angry that i dunno wat to do except to cry.. Yeah2.. i'm such a baby.. whatever..

SHE, HER = MY MOTHER.. Never want to listen to my side of saying.. Wonder if things gonna be worse than this. I'm so glad that i'm going for a holiday at KL with my aunt tomorrow nite.. Juz wanna get away from all this mess.. From HER.. I'm coming back on Sunday nite.. If only i could juz migrate there.. haiz..

the beauty exposed ;