Lost In Beauty-

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I'm tired of being what you want me to be..
Feeling so faithless..
Lost under the surface..
Dunno what you're expecting of me..
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that i take is another mistake to you..
And every second i breath is more than i can take..

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there..
I've become so tired, so much more aware..
I'm becoming this all I want to do..
Is be more like me and be less like you...

Feeling so damn low rite now.. Feel like typing the 'F' word so many times until i can't type anymore.. Why can't SHE juz listen to me for once, and stop making stupid, wrong assumptions about the whole thing?????? I hate it..!!! Who does SHE think i am?? A stupid moron??

SHE hate it. SHE dislikes me doing tis whole marketing/promoting health products job.. SHE thinks that tis job is the same as other typical sales and marketing job.. And i have no chance to make HER understand what i'm actually doing. WHY??? Becoz SHE hardly listens to me.. But, what the hell, SHE listens to other people.. Oh yeah, i forgot.. Now i know that the "other people's" opinions are more important, reasonable and logical to HER than mine.. To HER, it's no use listening to me.. Becoz my opinions are all pointless, rite???

Honestly saying, i thought that tis job is also the same as any other typical sales and marketing job at first.. I even thought of backing out.. But now, after going through talks and training from the company, my perception bout tis job has changed.. And i really mean it.. In fact, i think that tis job is unique.. Very different.. And i'm glad to give it a try.. Today, i came home from the office feeling quite certain and confident about the whole thing.. I had a motivation talk with the company's consultant and Business Manager (BM) juz now, and they said that i can achieve if i ever work hard for it.. See?? They believe that i can make it.. And i felt quite touch.. But all the confident feelings has faded away now.. Thanks to HER.

I've already told my BM that SHE didn't like what i'm doing.. And he's being very nice to come to my house tomorrow afternoon to explain to HER bout what i'm actually doing for the job. He told me to tell HER to make HERSELF free at 6 pm. So, after i'd reached home today, i told HER that my 'colleague' is going to meet HER tomorrow (the BM said that it's better to address him as a 'colleague' rather than a 'manager', to HER. I'm still wondering why..). But before i could say anything more useful to HER, you know wat SHE said?? "Apsal?? Dia nak convince products dia kat mama ke?? Mama tak interested!" (Meaning: SHE thought that my BM wanted to convince HER bout the products and actually wanted HER to buy it.. like, DUH!) I was sooo taken aback.. so mad.. i think that at any moment i would explode into tiny pieces!! See what i mean about HER never listen to me? Ever?? I hadn't even completed what i was about to say, and SHE interuppted me juz like that. SHE said (with a tone that i really damn hate the most) that SHE'S going to the hospital tomorrow and SHE can't make it.. I don't care if SHE cannot make it.. But the fact that SHE was doubting my BM- and thought that he was actually wanted to sell HER the products- was juz too much.. All he wants to do is to explain to HER about the RIGHT thing of what i'm actually doing.. But HAR. HAR. HAR. SHE don't even want to give it a chance. And continue making wrong assumption bout my job.. And that's it.. SHE'S not going to approve what i'm doing.. Great.. So great that i feel like hitting my head on the wall rite now. Does anyone ever listens anymore???????????????????????????? Seriously.. i almost feel like crying now.. in fact, i'm crying rite now.. coz i'm so angry that i dunno wat to do except to cry.. Yeah2.. i'm such a baby.. whatever..

SHE, HER = MY MOTHER.. Never want to listen to my side of saying.. Wonder if things gonna be worse than this. I'm so glad that i'm going for a holiday at KL with my aunt tomorrow nite.. Juz wanna get away from all this mess.. From HER.. I'm coming back on Sunday nite.. If only i could juz migrate there.. haiz..

the beauty exposed ;

Sunday, September 18, 2005

What happen if u're in a situation that u don't even want to be in at all??? Haiz.. today i can't believe wat i've gotten myself into.. I used to say that i hate doing BUSINESS or anything that related to business (marketing and blahz blahz).. Coz it's juz not my type of job.. i've no confidence, and i hate taking risk.. Yupz, now u all know that i'm such a coward.. But wat the hell.. No use taking it all back rite now.. Suddenly, today, i've become a part of a company, going to do some sort of marketing/promoting-health-products job.. I've forgotten wat's the company's name.. But i know that the short form of the name is V.E. I cannot explain further bout the company and their products bcoz i've promised the Business Manager (BM) not to tell anything to anyone, unless until after i finish my training. Hidayah (my sec sch fren) is the one who recommended tis job to me.. At first, she said that we were juz going for a talk wif the BM about an entrepreneurship thingy or sumting.. But i never expect that it turned out to be an interview as well!!

Another thing that i hate: 'Offices'. I hate offices.. Can't stand the pressure of being in an office. The scenery.. the scent.. makes me wanna puke.. Makes me feel nauseous.. In fact, i almost puked in the toilet before going into the office juz now.. The pressure had already set in even before i stepped my foot there.. Luckily i'm in control of myself. I don't wanna look like a fool, puking all over the place.. I was even more nervous when meeting wif the BM.. Fortunately, i didn't stop breathing or sumting wakaka.. But thank god he is frenly.. Then, he was talking business wif me.. And i was like, "HUH???"- wif capital letters and many question marks.. I was so blur that i behaved like a klutz juz now (Is..!! It's my turn being a klutz!!).. I couldn't even answer some simple questions properly.. Duh.. Actually i didn't even think of joining the company to promote their products at first.. But then after the talk cum interview, he told me to give some possible reasons to why i think that i shouldn't join the company.. Then i answered honestly that i am not that confident and i have no experience in business studies whatsoever.. But he didn't take that as good reasons.. So he 'suddenly' welcome me as a part of the company.. I was very surprised indeed.. Big exclamation marks flew above my head.. Zoom! I'm still quite nervous now.. i wonder if i can do tis job.. i still have no confidence in myself.. Afraid that i'll screw everything up.. haiz.. My training session will be on tis tuesday.. Gd luck to me then.. haiz..

the beauty exposed ;

Saturday, September 10, 2005

It's 1 am in the morning and everyone is sleeping (cept' for my bro who has the cheek to go to Johor (without my parent consent) at tis hour juz to go to one of the petrol station there and fill up his motorbike.. Aren't there any petrol stations in S'pore anymore??). I juz don feel like sleeping.. And updating my blog at tis point of time seems like such a 'good' idea at the moment.. My first week of holiday: Sux.. But at least i prefer to rot at home rather than having to go to sch and getting all Cs for my grade juz bcoz i don't talk much during presentations.. But honestly though, i like my previous class.. Not serious at all, love making jokes.. Haiz.. Unfortunately, we have to change classes next semester.. And the thought of it really makes me quite sad.. I have to start all over again.. need to introduce myself to my new classmates once again.. i wonder if they're as nice as my ex-classmates.. Changing classes really sux man.. Sux to the power of infinity.

I don't really do anything much for this holiday.. I've been lazing around at home like a gerl without a life.. To top it off, i've a maid now.. During my previous holidays, i was the one who usually did the housework at home.. But now, i'm as lazy as a pig since there's someone to do the housework for me heh heh heh.. Someone need to knock my head countless of times and shout in my ear with a megaphone that i need to 'GET A LIFE PLEASE'..!! Anyone care to do that for me?? I'll be thanking you for the next 70 years..

The only interesting thing that i do is reading novels.. Yup.. rite now i'm more interested with the non-fiction life rather than my own.. I was quite emotional for the past few days, but i don't really know what's the cause of it.. Maybe part of it was bcoz i was juz kinda piss off with one of my fren.. Last week, she sms-ed me and told me that i had change.. she thought that i was trying to avoid her, and that i was afraid to deal with her and her problems.. that time i was quite in a bad mood, so i went off saying "WTF is she talking about?????".. We've not been contacting with each other for quite some time, and now she's imagining things.. then recently, i tried to sms her, but she didn't even reply.. I don't really mind if she replied 2 or 3 days later.. But it seems like she don't even want to reply at all.. That had really set me off.. But now, i told myself that i had at least tried to contact her.. And if she still wants to go off this way, than that's her problem anyway.. If only i could solve my problems like solving jigsaw puzzles.. Talking bout jigsaw puzzles, i bought a 1000 pieces jigsaw puzzle at the night market near the Boon Lay MRT station.. Very cheap, $4 only.. Dunno why i'm suddenly so interested with it, when the actual fact is that i used to hate playing jigsaw puzzles when i was a kid.. Coz it used to give me headache haha.. But now, i liked the challenge in solving 1000 pieces jigsaw puzzles.. Bet it's much easier than solving all my stupid problems..

Now i'm wondering whether i should take a part time job during tis holiday or not.. i have 4 weeks of free time, and i don't want it to go damn wasted.. But i hate going for interviews.. I still remember during my previous holiday, Nazira and i went to tis agency for interview, and we actually had to pay $2 for the registration fee!!! WTF?? In the end, we got nothing.. Rite now i'm hoping for the 'selling mooncakes' job in a hotel restaurant which is recommended by nazira's fren.. Juz now she sms-ed me the details (the attires) for working in the hotel, and i panicked when i read, "provide ur own pantyhose"!! I was thinking, "How am i supposed to wear panty hose with my scarf on!!".. I quickly asked nazira, and luckily she said that it was actually nothing.. FUH.. I cannot even imagine myself wearing a pantyhose.. wahaha..

the beauty exposed ;

Friday, September 02, 2005

Pathetic.. that's the word to describe my day today.. Today is my last day of lesson for my 2nd year semester 1.. Worse still, today's lesson is java programming.. That's why only 6 peepz (out of 20) came, including me.. Dunno why i even bother to come today.. We have tried to negotiate wif our faci to release us earlier, but she won't relent.. And she even want us to do our work.. Each of us need to contribute.. And i dunno what to contribute, as i'm really sucks at java.. The guys didn't do anything.. They played game, and finally decided to 'cabot', juz before the 3rd meeting starts.. Now left only me, shui min and jennifer in class.. Great.. And now we are waiting for our 3rd meeting to start.. unenthusiastically..

Need to go off now.. Gonna start my 3rd meeting.. And we didn't even do anything for our presentation.. Such 'hardworking' people we can be sumtimes.. After school, i'm goin to the hospital to visit my cousin who has a high fever.. Evn worse still, she is warded in an isolation room.. so poor thing.. Bad things sumtimes happen to good people.. Hope she'll recover soon and get on with her cheerful life..

the beauty exposed ;